30, female

30

Female

My first year at college, I really liked this guy who was in a fraternity. I knew I was exploring new territory when I would go to the frat parties. The frat guys would black out all the windows, taping garbage sacks on them. I would walk into the party with a couple of new friends I met in my English class. The two girls I was with were also from small towns and we were excited for days before the frat party. The guy I liked was there with his friends and I thought I was so lucky to get his attention. He took me to his room that had a couch underneath a loft bunk and we talked all night. Occasionally he would leave to get another drink. At the end of the night my legs were on his, and he was stroking them gently, but he didn’t go any further. The sun was coming up and he asked if I was tired. I said I was and he interrupted leaning in to kiss me. He asked if he could see me again.  My heart was beating so fast that I remember not sleeping when I got back to my dorm room. That first night was perfect. He seemed perfect.  I didn’t see him for a couple of weeks but there was barely a minute that went by I didn’t think of him. One day I got an email from him, he said he had been so busy but was thinking about me constantly. He told me he got a new job with forestry and would be busy most of the summer but he would like to see me again. At the end of the semester he invited me to another party the frat house was having and he asked me to meet him at his friends apartment so we could go together. I was so excited I thought this could be the man of my dreams. I arrived at his friends place and he was alone. He asked me to sit down and got me a drink. When he came back with the drink, he leaned in and said he missed me, kissing me. It felt so nice. I remember him taking his jacket off and said we should hang out for a while before we go to the party. I felt so light headed after the drink, I wasn’t used to drinking. He put my legs onto his lap again and we started to make small talk. I remember talking about my classes and he started to take my stockings off, at first I didn’t think anything of it. But in an instant he was on top of me kissing me hard, and I told him no, that I wasn’t ready for what he wanted. I pushed him off of me and ran to the door. I forgot my keys and turned quickly and he was right behind me. He had grabbed my neck and asked me why I was teasing him like I was. I said I wasn’t teasing him, I said “I like you, but you’re moving too fast” and he gripped my neck tighter and through me towards the couch. I know that I was crying by this time, scared and struggling when I breathed, I really felt like I was going to pass out. He got on top of me again and put his fingers inside me and said that I need to loosen up a bit as he held me down. I felt so dizzy at this point, crying I needed to get back up. I couldn’t scream NO, loud enough it seemed, and we were alone. He had his pants down and was trying to get inside me when I called on all the strength I had to get off the floor and kick him off me. I ran to the counter, grabbed my keys, got out the door and ran down the hall of the apartment building to the door. He was right behind me and by the time I got to my car, as I got to the door he was there, fighting to hold the door open. He was telling me he was sorry and that I misunderstood him. I said I need to go. I got the door shut and drove off. My friends were calling me asking me why I wasn’t at the frat party and I told them I didn’t’ feel good. I sat in my car for about two hours and cried before I went into the dorm. Nobody seemed to be around when I went into the dorm, as I walked into my room. I grabbed my stuff and took the longest shower of my life.  A few days later I told my friends what happened and I thought for some reason they would blame me, but they didn’t. We found out who to talk to on campus and I filed a complaint against the guy. I consider myself pretty lucky in this situation, but I am still recovering. I haven’t enjoyed a guy during sex when he penetrates, but I’m trying to find a place where I can enjoy sex. I only saw the guy once on campus after the whole situation. Nothing ever really happened to him, since no one contacted me after the assault. I have had times when I hear of sexual violence on campus, have wanted to speak out, but I wasn’t raped, I went to him willingly. I am trying to just move on with my life.