30, female


My first year at college, I really liked this guy who was in a fraternity. I knew I was exploring new territory when I would go to the frat parties. The frat guys would black out all the windows, taping garbage sacks on them. I would walk into the party with a couple of new friends I met in my English class. The two girls I was with were also from small towns and we were excited for days before the frat party. The guy I liked was there with his friends and I thought I was so lucky to get his attention. He took me to his room that had a couch underneath a loft bunk and we talked all night. Occasionally he would leave to get another drink. At the end of the night my legs were on his, and he was stroking them gently, but he didn’t go any further. The sun was coming up and he asked if I was tired. I said I was and he interrupted leaning in to kiss me. He asked if he could see me again.  My heart was beating so fast that I remember not sleeping when I got back to my dorm room. That first night was perfect. He seemed perfect.  I didn’t see him for a couple of weeks but there was barely a minute that went by I didn’t think of him. One day I got an email from him, he said he had been so busy but was thinking about me constantly. He told me he got a new job with forestry and would be busy most of the summer but he would like to see me again. At the end of the semester he invited me to another party the frat house was having and he asked me to meet him at his friends apartment so we could go together. I was so excited I thought this could be the man of my dreams. I arrived at his friends place and he was alone. He asked me to sit down and got me a drink. When he came back with the drink, he leaned in and said he missed me, kissing me. It felt so nice. I remember him taking his jacket off and said we should hang out for a while before we go to the party. I felt so light headed after the drink, I wasn’t used to drinking. He put my legs onto his lap again and we started to make small talk. I remember talking about my classes and he started to take my stockings off, at first I didn’t think anything of it. But in an instant he was on top of me kissing me hard, and I told him no, that I wasn’t ready for what he wanted. I pushed him off of me and ran to the door. I forgot my keys and turned quickly and he was right behind me. He had grabbed my neck and asked me why I was teasing him like I was. I said I wasn’t teasing him, I said “I like you, but you’re moving too fast” and he gripped my neck tighter and through me towards the couch. I know that I was crying by this time, scared and struggling when I breathed, I really felt like I was going to pass out. He got on top of me again and put his fingers inside me and said that I need to loosen up a bit as he held me down. I felt so dizzy at this point, crying I needed to get back up. I couldn’t scream NO, loud enough it seemed, and we were alone. He had his pants down and was trying to get inside me when I called on all the strength I had to get off the floor and kick him off me. I ran to the counter, grabbed my keys, got out the door and ran down the hall of the apartment building to the door. He was right behind me and by the time I got to my car, as I got to the door he was there, fighting to hold the door open. He was telling me he was sorry and that I misunderstood him. I said I need to go. I got the door shut and drove off. My friends were calling me asking me why I wasn’t at the frat party and I told them I didn’t’ feel good. I sat in my car for about two hours and cried before I went into the dorm. Nobody seemed to be around when I went into the dorm, as I walked into my room. I grabbed my stuff and took the longest shower of my life.  A few days later I told my friends what happened and I thought for some reason they would blame me, but they didn’t. We found out who to talk to on campus and I filed a complaint against the guy. I consider myself pretty lucky in this situation, but I am still recovering. I haven’t enjoyed a guy during sex when he penetrates, but I’m trying to find a place where I can enjoy sex. I only saw the guy once on campus after the whole situation. Nothing ever really happened to him, since no one contacted me after the assault. I have had times when I hear of sexual violence on campus, have wanted to speak out, but I wasn’t raped, I went to him willingly. I am trying to just move on with my life.

32, Female


I was 4 years old when I first molested by an older relative. At first I didn’t know what was happening, for years I didn’t know how to articulate what even happened to me and so I was silent. Through elementary school, I would be haunted in my dreams about the feeling of silence and being isolated. During the day I remember feeling unclean and I would keep recalling the times I was molested, how I was held down sometimes and told not to speak. Sometimes it was dark and sometimes I was taken to a secluded area of the industrial area where we lived and I would be touched and have to touch, and sometimes it was worse.  When I was in middle school my dad’s friends would take notice of how I was developing and make fun of me. A few times we would travel in my dad’s pickup truck and because it was so crowded I would have to sit on the lap of one of these men. Whenever I sat on Randy’s lap, he would take hold of my hips and I would feel something grow beneath me.  I would be so scared that I couldn’t even speak. The men would laugh and Randy would push me around on his lap as he rubbed himself and my legs, hips and butt. I remember looking at my dad who wasn’t aware this was going on right in front of him, and I remember feeling so helpless , I couldn’t even speak.

It wasn’t until my twenties that I started to recall all these memories and more of my youth. I still have never talked to my family about the relative or Randy or the others. The older relative is in prison for other charges and Randy had died in a car accident years later.

I can’t be in a normal relationship. I don’t know how to be intimate with someone appropriately, I don’t know how to even start to really love. I can’t trust anyone. I’ve had a few relationships, but each one turned abusive. I’ve been beaten, raped and forced to perform sexual acts as an adult. I can’t get out, these are the guys who pay attention to me. Women don’t understand.

You’re the first person I’ve told.
I don't remember my age.
I don't remember how many times.
I just remember it was wrong,
That my step-father would do this to me.
No wonder he was the laid-back, easy going parent,
I started to trust him which lead to being violated.
I have hardly spoke about it,
I have tried to block it.
I want to help others.

Female, 20

they always asked me what happened to us, truth be told, we grew up

Female, 19 My Sister Tells me one night...

My sister tells me one night,
That she was raped.
Held down,
And raped by many.
Friends laugh,
Amongst her screams.
The pain reoccurs,
In her nightmares.
She stays strong,

*Female, 19, ND.